In a nutshell:
-Getzlaf is lazy and losing value as I type this.
-Perry has three signature moves, and they all involve slashing someone.
-Maroon is the captain.
-Vatanen is our #1 D man and our enforcer. He may be the best to ever play the game.
-Etem would have 50 goals, but he's in the minors because the league isn't ready for him.
-Lindholm has a golden angelic glow around him, if you squint in the right light you can see it.
-Sbisa was sent by the devil to ruin the team and destroy hockey as we know it.
-Cogliano is... just ask Pierre McGuire, he'll describe him in ways that I can't, and nobody should.
-Hiller is the best goalie with vertigo in the league hands down. OK, maybe top 3.
-Fasth is some Swedish goalie we were rumored to have acquired, but nobody can verify it.
-Fowler is our shin pad sharp shooter.
-Winnik is in the "elite scorer for my first month" club, along with former Ducks great Dan Sexton.
-Perreault was never actually traded here, it's just that nobody noticed he was gone. Bruce brought him along much like that stapler you steal on your last day on the job.
-Penner and Selanne are both great for the first shift of each game, and then it's all spilled maple syrup and no ketchup.
-Silfverberg, I have no clue. I'm afraid to look directly at him... those eyes.
-Saku and Bonino are both our #2 center, yet neither are.
That's our team, I'm drunk, welcome to the bandwagon.